One of my strategies to survive is having concepts about how things should be. While I am busy being stuck in my concept of how things should be, I am likely to totally miss out on the fact that what I want as a result of that concept is already there in that very moment. So I get stuck in thoughts about the future and forget to appreciate what’s already there.
I will give you a more specific example: I might crave intimacy with my partner. When I talk to him about wanting intimacy, two things can happen.
- I can stay in my mind and talk from the point of a concept – then nothing will change, intimacy is unlikely to occur, and I will nourish my inner idea of lacking something.
- I can open up to the moment and show my want from a point of vulnerability and authentic curiosity. In that case, the conversation might shift and I might be experiencing intimacy while I share my need for intimacy. Now if my mind stays active it might want to pull me back into my concept of intimacy and so I will look into the future and miss out on the fact that intimacy is happening at this very moment.
Do you notice how both these options depend on how I decide to deal with the situation and show myself? If I have that choice, why would I choose not to be present with what is? Why would I choose to have that carrot always in front of my donkey nose instead of enjoying its delicious taste?
It is a mechanism of self-sabotage which I am convinced many of us experience on a regular basis in many aspects of our lives. When I do not get what I crave or want, I can stay in my victimhood and find excuses for things not working out.
Why would I do that? Because I might be actually really afraid of things working out. Often times we are more afraid that things are working out than that they don’t. And why do you think that is?
I encourage you to explore the answer to this question for yourself. Note what happens when you talk about what you “want”, and how you might stay in the future of that “wanting” instead of being present with what is. Then ask yourself the question: Why? When you find an answer, go deeper: “And why is that?” Then keep going until you find the answer at the bottom of it all.
You are very welcome to share this exploratory journey with me. PM me on facebook or send me an e-mail via the contact form below. Enjoy!
Photo by George Potter on unsplash.com.